You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
