Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
