then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
