And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
