ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Drunk is a universal language darling
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
