Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
