Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
