got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
