I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
