If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize