I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
