I cut my penus on the lid.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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