I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
