Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
