Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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