I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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