She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
