life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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