Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
