I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
