We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
