I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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