So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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