my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
