The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
