im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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