I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
