he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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