You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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