i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
