Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
