I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
