i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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