Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
don't judge my taste in strippers
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
