Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
