She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
