Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
