I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
