the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize