I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
