I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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