Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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