she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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