I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
