I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
