i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
