i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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