You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
