break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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