um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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