piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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