You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
