i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
