Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My bed smells like the plague
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
