I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
