i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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