hell yes lets make some ravioli
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
