Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Randomize
