Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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