I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
