i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
