I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
