I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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