I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
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