No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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