oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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