dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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